


Memories

by llcflms



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: F/M, ayahina's holy rose garden of angst, just some ayahina fluff, warning for ayato's dense ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25128658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llcflms/pseuds/llcflms
Summary: Ayato gets worked up after seeing his parents' ring around Kaneki's neck. Hinami has a talk with him about it in a former Aogiri base.
Relationships: Fueguchi Hinami/Kirishima Ayato, ayahina - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to re-upload all of my old Ayahina fic on Ayato's birthday but I got busy so the 3 day delay. :')
> 
> This fic was written following the chapter where Touka gave the Hikarata ring to Kaneki. I mean, we know now that Touka had both rings with her but back then we didn't so I played around with the idea that Ayato had one of the two. Ayato's relationship with his parents always intrigue me because it's so much more complicated than Touka's and I think even till :re, he never really gets over it but chooses to suppress them instead, that moron. :')

It takes a moment for him to realise what it was hanging around the neck of their dear leader. The scene before him is too surreal for him to take seriously; it’s like something out of a dream. Touka and Kaneki rush into headquarters, panting and practically out of breath, with Kaneki muttering apologies over keeping everyone waiting. Of course, Goat, being the collection of dumb, peace-loving and passive _idiots_ , simply wave the King’s apologies off. Touka laughs as Kaneki sighs in response to them and something is simply off about the two of them.

 _Why are they so_ happy _?_

Not to say it’s bad— it’s just weird. Ayato gets his answer, or at least part of it, the moment his eyes fall onto the small ornament ordaining Kaneki’s neck. They probably managed to sort things out, talked about their problems and bridged whatever gap between them.

Ayato’s not the only one to notice it. In fact, everyone does in a matter of minutes. Beside him, Hinami sucks in her breath. Nishio snickers and slaps Touka on the back, whispering something to her that earns him a punch to the gut. Tsukiyama gasps, clasping his mouth in an over-exaggerated, melodramatic manner, wordlessly screaming out his anguish— it’s feigned, obviously; Ayato can tell he’s glad that Kaneki is _finally_ happy _._ The ring that hangs on Kaneki’s neck elicits varied kinds of responses from everyone in the room but Ayato knows that most of them probably don’t see what he sees.

It is _that_ ring after all.

“So what is that anyway?” Nishio asks, pointing to the cursed jewellery.

“This? Touka-chan gave it to me,” Kaneki says, laughing.

Touka turns away from them. Her bangs completely shield her face from everyone, but Ayato knows his sister well enough to guess she’s probably burning in embarrassment. She huffs and crosses her arms.

“It’s nothing.”

“A marriage?” Tsukiyama cries out. “Kaneki-kun, tell me! What—”

“Nothing happened!” Kaneki cuts in. His face flushes a thousand shades of red at once. His suddenly defensive composure and his quick interruption makes it clear that anything but ‘nothing’ happened. Goat is quick to jump into contemplating what exactly happened, with a couple of members throwing in guesses here and there. Ayato can’t be bothered about any of that, honestly. He’s more occupied wondering what had driven Touka to pass it to Kaneki.

“Marriage proposal. I’m sure it’s that.” It takes Ayato a moment to realise that the particular statement was directed at him and he turns his head to the girl standing beside him. Hinami’s staring at him, eyes dancing in victory and mouth turned to a small, cheeky smirk. He internalises her words for a moment before he nods, only after taking far too long to reply.

“Yeah. I guess.” He bites his lip lightly and turns to glance once more at Touka and Kaneki, before looking back at her to force out a smile— to try and at least look like how a normal younger brother would look like when he watches his sister smile happily with the man she loves. Hinami’s smile vanishes instantly and she furrows her brow, reaching over to lightly place her hand on his arm.

“Are you okay?”

 _No._ He wonders if it’s possible for him to be okay. He wants to, honestly, but he can’t put himself into the mood, not when the ring is clawing away and dragging his heart to unspeakable depths. Ayato sighs, tries his best to keep the forced smile on his face and pushes Hinami’s hand off lightly.

“Yes, I’m fine,” he says. His voice cracks a little and Hinami’s eyes widen. Cursing silently, he tries his best to wave it off with a cough as he turns to leave. “I just realise there’s somewhere I urgently have to be. Run me through later whatever happens in the meeting, okay?”

He’s out before she can even respond.

He hadn’t noticed how suffocating it had been in there, not until he had walked out and managed to get a decent breath of air in. Ayato leaves the base aimlessly— or so he thinks. He doesn’t know where he’s headed or what he’s up to. All he knows is that he wants to be away from that place and more importantly, away from that godforsaken object. His feet hurry across the pavement and he makes turns after turns as if he’s accustomed to the journey and has it completely planned. Perhaps, somewhere in there, he knows exactly where he’s headed.

Entering the 19th ward, he starts to second guess himself. Why is he even heading there? Why should he even bother? Hadn’t he told himself it shouldn’t matter to him anymore?

He turns to the more abandoned part of town. His heart palpitates in the confines of his ribs, with a worrying degree of force; his ribs might just snap. Ayato’s cursing his legs, wondering when they’d develop minds of their own to act independently from his heart and mind. He doesn’t want to go there. He doesn’t want to see it. But as he nears the ruins, he starts quickening his pace and it’s not long before he breaks into a sprint. 

_“These rings are very important to me. They belong to your mother and I. Father can never be with you all the time, so I want you to hold on to them— one for each of you. They’re a part of Mother’s and my hearts. Whenever you’re upset or lonely, look to it and remember that I will always be with you. Look to it and it will give you strength.”_

“Bullshit,” he had snapped a long time ago, flinging it towards an abandoned alley. The ring is no symbol of strength. It symbolises weakness— they very weakness of the two peaceful fucks who had never bothered enough to remain in the world for him. Ayato had watched it hit the grimy wall, bouncing off and rolling on the ground, right for the drainage canal. He froze, picturing it falling into the depths of the sewer, washed away by the strong currents of the waste below— gone, forever, just like he wanted it to be.

It was in a matter of minutes that Ayato had thrown himself forward, knees slamming down onto the rough gravel ground as he scrambled to reach for it. His fingers grasped the metal ring right as it rolled off the edge. He was lying in a secluded alley, curled up on the ground soiled with drainage waste, discarded booze and other unthinkable fluids. His hands were pressed against his chest, tightly clasping the ring as if he’s in the midst of prayer.

He hates the stupid thing, yet he can never let it go.

* * *

Ayato kneels in the middle of what was once the busy base of the now-extinct Aogiri Tree. Unlike most of their bases, the 19th ward base was peaceful and serene. With a greenhouse located on the top floor of the building, it’s never a place that invites much violence and vice. While certain arguments and falling outs had found their roots in this very place, it’s always been a generally peaceful base, mostly because the scum of the organization barely frequented the place.

To Ayato and Hinami, it had been and it remains a private hang-out spot— a little area, just for themselves, whenever they needed to get away from anything else. The rest of Goat, save for Miza and the White Suits, are completely unaware of the existence of this place, which makes it an ideal location for secrecy. With that promised secrecy, Ayato trusts this place to be the refuge of his deepest worries and greatest problems. In here, lies the manifestation of all that he wishes not to carry.

He forces himself to swallow the rising lump in his throat as his fingers sieve through the dirt. He knows he kept it in the third pot in the corner clump. It’s where it always is. But as he begins parting and digging out some of the dark soil, paranoia sweeps over him.

_Where is it?_

It might have gone missing. Someone might have come and removed the actual pot and replaced it with another one. The pots might have gotten mixed up as well and it might be in any one of the hundreds of flower pots that stood in the massive garden. Or the pot might be right but someone might have changed the soil and it might have gotten thrown away along with the old pile of dirt.

It might be gone for good this time.

_Finally. Good riddance once and for all._

He pauses at the thought. Right as it surfaces, he knows it’s crap. He knows he’s full of bullshit just like any other time. Just like back when he first buried it wishing it’d disappear for good, only to come rushing back a few days later to dig it up and stare at it, he’s never going to be able to let go of it.

 _Fuck. Fuck this… I…_ He curses his stupidity and attachment as he scrambles to dig more soil up. When he finally feels the tip of his fingers brush a cool smooth surface, he’s already a mess. His clothes are dirtied with scattered soil. His face is stained brown. His fingertips are itching and his nails are clogged with dirt that had nicely settled within. The ring is in no better a condition. At first glance, anyone might think it’s a copper ring instead of a silver one. It takes Ayato a lot of brushing and a lot more rubbing with the cleaner edge of his t-shirt for him to clear off enough dirt to faintly reveal the English carvings.

He stares at it with burning eyes and an itchy throat. It’s undeniable that the ring around Kaneki’s neck and the one lying in his palm came as a set.

Ayato wonders just how Touka is able to pass it on to someone else permanently when he can’t even keep it buried in a pot without worrying he’ll lose it. How can she, who always turn to it for strength, easily let go of something like that? He wonders what it means for her now— and what the person she gave it to means to her as well.

He has to wonder if his sister has moved on from their family, ready to find another one. And if so, what is he supposed to do now? He’s always been alone, but never like this.

He’s too deep in his own thoughts to hear the footsteps approaching. He’s too focused on what he has on his hands to notice them stopping a short distance behind him. He’s too caught up in the past, to sense someone currently watching him.

That is until he hears a soft clearing of one’s throat.

“Ayato-kun?”

_Hinami?_

He recognises her voice instantly and he raises his head at the sound. He turns to look at her and immediately, he’s knocked right into the face with reality. He’s on the ground before her, covered in dirt and clutching a small irrelevant object.

“What are you doing? Are you okay?” She seems taken aback by the sight before her and Ayato understands her stance completely. He looks like a complete moron. She’s probably weirded out right now, contemplating her departure perhaps.

“I-I’m fine.” He’s lying through his teeth and Hinami doesn’t make any attempt to hide the fact she knows this.

“What’s that in your hand?” Hinami asks and he clasps his fingers around it immediately.

“It’s—”

“Is that whatever you buried in the pot and keep digging up?” Hinami asks.

“What are you talking about?” He can feign ignorance all he wants but the fact that he’s seated in a pile of dirt in front of an unearthed flower pot remains.

“I’ve always been curious about what it is.”

“Why are you here?” he asks instead, a desperate attempt at changing the topic. She blinks a couple of time and sighs.

“You had that expression on your face again when you left so I was worried about you and followed you,” she replies. He wonders briefly what expression she was talking about— she’s never mentioned anything before. But he’s more worried about keeping that ring out of her attention.

To no luck, sadly.

“Can I see it?” she asks, holding out her hand. He hesitates but ends up relenting. It’s never easy to deny her anyway. The confidence brimming her eyes are evidence enough that Hinami isn’t going to let it go. He places the ring in her hand and she dusts some of the dirt off. Her eyes widened and Ayato figures she probably recognises it.

“Yeah, it’s the same ring,” he grunts. “Similar, I mean. Kaneki’s one’s probably bigger. It belongs to Dad. Mine was Mom’s. My stupid father gave me her ring because at that point in time my fingers were smaller than Touka’s. It’s stupid, as expected of him actually. He wanted us to gain strength from it and my stupid sister probably did I guess. It only pisses the fuck out of me. Makes me think of that bastard and the stupid smile he had when he gave us and well, I didn’t like looking at it so I hid it here and I thought this stupid thing would go, like disappear forever or something but I—”

He stops the moment he realises he’s rambling. But by then, Ayato has pretty much already said everything. He notices that he’s breathing hard and that he’s choking and stumbling on his words. He takes another deep breath, tries his best to calm himself down and regain whatever he could of his composure and stands up. Hinami walks over to him, holding the ring out to pass to him.

“Do you miss them? Whenever you look at this?” she asks when he takes it back and begins staring at it.

“No,” he replies, almost too quickly. Hinami raises her eyebrows at him and he mutters meekly under his breath, “I don’t need to look at a stupid ring to miss them.”

“So you do miss them.”

Ayato shrugs, fiddling with the ring around his index finger and thumb. “I don’t _miss_ them. I mean, they are my parents. I can hate them as much as I want but sometimes, I wonder what would happen if things went differently, you know— if things could even have gone differently. Sometimes I just think about them.”

He forces something down his throat. It feels like a sob but he rather dies than admit he’s close to crying from thinking about his parents. But no matter how he tries to pretend, he knows Hinami can see what lies beneath. She’s a reader; she reads people just like they were pages of a book. It’s eerily similar to a certain someone and sometimes Ayato feels like he shouldn’t let his guard down too much around her (this is impossible, of course).

“My father…” he continues, with a soft sigh. “I’ve been thinking about my father a lot lately, about how he probably would like what we’re doing. Building a world where humans and ghouls can co-exist— that bastard would love something like that.”

His voice cracks once more. Ayato hates how emotional and weak he’s sounding, especially when Hinami’s right there. He’s always made it a point to appear strong, to never let her see him at his lowest. There’s no particular reason why he wants this. He knows he just wants it— to always maintain a cool, strong impression before her. But right now, all he can be is honest and he’s glad that she’s watching him with no judgement in her eyes, merely marvelling at what she’s never laid eyes on before.

“I think if I can come to accept a world of co-existence, then maybe, one day, I can accept him too and then, be more honest with myself.”

“I miss my family too. You probably are already sick of hearing this. I’m sorry I’m always crying over them but I really would like to see them again," Hinami says softly. "Ayato-kun, can I be honest?”

“Yeah?”

“I think it’s nice you have that ring. I have nothing to remember my parents by, so as time passes on and I get older, their faces and voices slowly start to fade. Eventually, I’ll have nothing to remember them by,” Hinami admits. “I’m sorry for saying this. I’m sorry if I sound selfish. I just… I just want to remember them, you know, if I can’t be with them anymore, that is…”

Somehow, he can see where she’s getting at and if he is to be honest, it’s something he has never thought of. For a person who has never been able to recall their faces and voices, to only be able to remember the consequences of their actions rather than their actions themselves, Ayato has never needed something to remember them by. Maybe that’s why Touka turned to the ring more desperately than he does.

“You know, Ayato, sometimes I worry that it’ll continue this way… That everyone will keep dying and I will never have anything to remember them by,” she says.

And Ayato wonders, if his sister passed her ring on to Kaneki the same way his father had done it to them— for someone else who’d need it so they can remember the bearer by. 

_Stupid sister._

“It’s not about those who are gone, huh? It’s about who’s right here with us now,” he murmurs.

“Ayato-kun?” Hinami wonders aloud, surprised by his sudden statement. Ayato chuckles at her cluelessness and he turns to her with a soft smile. Despite her confusion, Hinami mimics him, flashing him a weak smile as well.

“Here,” he says, holding his hand out to drop the ring into her palms. Hinami catches it, eyes widening as she looks at it.

“Huh? Ayato-kun, wait… what?”

Ayato sighs and starts to walk off. He gets why Touka passed the ring on to Kaneki— he guesses he does— and he sees the meaning and reason behind it. He might just be parroting her— he might just continue being the shadow that mimics her every move— but he feels compelled to do something similar. It’s probably not wise to remain where he is. He should be moving forward, especially in a vulnerable and volatile world like theirs.

“Ayato-kun!” Hinami cries out. “This… Isn’t this—”

“Keep it!” he says over his shoulder. “We’re gonna fight and all so like if I die or something, you can remember me with that.”

“If you die?? Ayato-kun?!”

“If you want to that is,” he says, turning to look back, just in time to see Hinami turning a deep shade of crimson— a lot like the roses lining behind her.

_Oh._

“I… I mean…” he stammers, mentally slapping himself and forcing himself to turn away again. “I’ll see you back at the base.”

He’s out before she can say something again, this time cursing himself for that dumb action. What kind of idiot would give someone something to remember them by when she’s obviously thinking about some other dead folk?

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why the_ fuck _would she want to remember you, you stupid fucking Kirishima?_

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah he totally didn't realize the implications of what he was doing till the end. Someone give Kirishima Ayato some love coaching.


End file.
